if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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