Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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