nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
