I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
