im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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