did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
