god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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