I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
