The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
