I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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