I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize