based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
