I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
