just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
