I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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