u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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