All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
