I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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