using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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