Swine flu. Run for my life!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
