My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
