your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
