Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
