I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
