now i know why i became what i already was.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
