i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
