oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
