I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
