Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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