Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
