Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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