You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
