Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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