Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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