Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
