sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
