mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
