I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
