I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
