how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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