I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
