she looked like the before picture.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize