my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
