If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize