I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
