i already hear my dad disowning me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
