mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I died a long time ago.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
