Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
