He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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