Are we in a gay sports bar?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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