Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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