I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
