Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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