Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
