I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
